Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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