Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
