Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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