Ambien. No doubt about it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
