from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
