a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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