Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
