What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
