my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Terrible idea I love it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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