How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
