Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we're making bets on your personal life
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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