so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
