my soul wont recognize me after tonight
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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