i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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