I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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