So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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