I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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