She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
