i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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