you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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