I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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