So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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