Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
