I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
