his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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