Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
