i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
