We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
