i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
soo... how was my night?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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