This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
