Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
