you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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