During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
