i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
