you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
