I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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