The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
