the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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