I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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