I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
