Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
