Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
