How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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