Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
