He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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