People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
