This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
