Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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