You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
cat food counts as protein by the way
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
