3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
