I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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