Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I forget how to act sober
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
