he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
