im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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