I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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